Letting Go of Letting Go

Well, I reached the point all those self-development videos on YouTube told me about: burnout…from self-development.

I’m not sure if it’s the stress that’s the outlier of my deep dives into self-help and identity shifting, but I’m sure some of that is playing a role. It’s causing me to have little interest in the subject now, putting aside all those suggested books I bought and opting for true crime documentaries again (not that I’m against those, but it’s been a while since I’ve been interested). I have also been watching old shows on YouTube and Prime, escaping all the talk of shadow work and watching episodes of Iron Chef and The Carol Burnett Show. At least my eclectic tastes are still intact, but they sometimes lead to me craving Japanese food at 9:00pm.

Funny how I was using self-development as a way to get out of a slump only to find myself in another one. I barely meditate anymore and I’m unable to sleep some nights (hello melatonin, my old friend). I avoid the YouTube algorithm’s suggestions of yet another video about letting go techniques.

Is this the Universe’s way of telling me to reset? How many times must I hit the reset button? I’m not a dusty games console or a shitty laptop. My contract with my current employer is up in four months and though I just had an important interview within that company, I’m still hesitant to let go of the worry. Thank the Goddess for these recent hot days where I can walk or jog in the early evenings and sweat off what worry I can while blasting heavy metal. Basking in the late heat of the sun and walking the same community trail I’ve walked for the last six years has been my only escape.

That and Kitchen Stadium. What’s the main ingredient tonight, Kaga-san? Yellowtail! Great…now I want sushi.

I’m not totally giving up self-development. It’s helped me cope with certain situations and at least I have resources to fall back on through books that I have enjoyed and people I have met online. But I’m don’t enjoy it right now, and I’m sure some of my self-development peers would tell me that I’m going backwards.

But I’m too introverted for hustle culture. I believe in slow living, getting by however I can and still being content. I have a roof over my head and I’ve got my cat, Archie (he’ll be turning five on July 4!).

I’m steadily revising my second draft of my first novel and having more patience with it (and myself), and I’m remaining active every day whether it be a walk in the evening or a weight session. I’m eating healthily as summer is my favorite time of year for fruits, and though my current job can be too much sometimes even as a hybrid employee, at least I can shut down that laptop every day and open up mine to dive into something that makes me happy.

Why would I let go of that? I know the term ‘letting go’ doesn’t mean releasing what you love to create a new perspective, but I’m starting to think that term is overused to the point of losing its intended meaning. Maybe I just have a hard time understanding it completely.

Letting go of worry about the next day – I can do that.

Letting go of other people’s opinions – easy peasy, if you ask me.

Letting go of your fear of failure – still working on that one, but I’m getting better.

Sometimes it’s hard to let go when you really need to hold onto what’s keeping you afloat. These self-development gurus would possibly read that sentence and tell me that the reason why it’s hard to let go is all the more reason to do it.

Fuck off. Tim Conway’s making Harvey Korman break again.