The Introvert vs Dating Apps

I was texting with a friend last night and he told me that he was back on dating apps. He got out of a relationship a few months ago and decided to take a long break. I guess the break was a little too long for him. He seems to be the type that needs to be with someone, and there’s nothing wrong with that. He’s an extrovert and gets his energy from being around a lot of different people, and he’s an interesting guy. I know this because he and I met on Tinder a few years ago. 

Our romantic relationship didn’t last long, but we ended up becoming good friends. He’s a talented photographer and I did a bit of modeling for him two years ago. We text every now and then and meet up for lunch when we can. He lives in a section of downtown Portland that I don’t mind spending time in. I used to love going downtown but needless to say everyone I know despises the place. But that’s another topic. 

I told my friend that I got back on a dating app in March and was bored within two weeks. There’s something about endless swiping that takes a lot out of me. I’m an introvert and I like companionship. However, I notice that once I start a conversation with someone they either disappear after a few days or ignore my newer messages. I’m not a talkative person on these apps, but many people would rather text for a while before meeting in person, which is understandable. You don’t really know who you’re talking to and everyone has a different level of comfort when meeting strangers. 

There’s also the aspect of putting yourself on a profile and trying to “sell” yourself. I don’t mean to sound pretentious but there’s something about placing yourself in a gallery where people can pick and choose whether or not you’re attractive or if you have lots of interests in common with the chooser. And even though most profiles I’ve seen say they’re attracted to people for their personality, we all know that’s a lie. If that were the case you wouldn’t put your best selfie as your first photo.

There’s my bit of salt. 

I will download a dating app when I get the urge to meet someone new, and then I will keep that app for a month. I will log on every day to check for updates (likes, messages, new profiles), and I will reach out to the ones I find interesting and cute. Yep I said cute; at least I’m honest. 

Most of us are not good at meeting new people in the dating world, at least not the people in my millennial generation. The app gives us the excuse to “ghost” others. We have no obligation to continue talking to someone through an app if we have no plans to meet them in person anyway, right? That’s the advantage of the app. 

Meeting men through apps can be intimidating for me. It’s not just the creeps who send unsolicited photos of certain body parts (my dude, no one thinks that’s a good opener), but my last date a year ago was with a guy who had two kids and was newly divorced. I had the sense he was too desperate for a relationship, especially when he wanted two hugs after the date was over. No hugs is usually my limit on the first date, but he already had one arm around me. He seemed fine texting through the app but once we met, he looked at me like I was his last hope at love. Needless to say, I sure as hell did not feel that way about him. I told him from the get-go that I was looking for something casual. 

I messaged him the next day and told him I wasn’t interested. He didn’t take it very well, which of course he didn’t. I was honest with him: he came on too strong for my comfort and he should probably be alone for a while to find out where he needs to be. He was married for many years and to suddenly be drawn to a woman he barely knew from a dating app was a giant red flag. 

I can’t remember how we signed off to never speak again, but truthfully I don’t care. And I think that’s the reason for my attitude towards these apps. It’s not the weirdos or the desperate men. It’s an act of vulnerability when we make our profiles, and the simple fact that, underneath whatever motive I have to give dating another try, I just don’t care if you swipe right or not.

I guess it’s not a far cry from speed dating although I would prefer to go to one of those events. At least you’re meeting in person and you can’t edit your life or “ghost” the person you have to talk to for five minutes. 

What you see is what you get when you meet me, and I’m at the point in my life where if it happens, it happens. Maybe in a dive bar or a concert in a small venue. Perhaps on a popular nature trail or public transit. 

And I know I’ve written about this before, but I truly don’t mind being alone and doing things by myself. I only have to worry about me (and my cat, of course). I have a handful of good friends I talk to that I have met online in the past. I have a friend in the UK that I met on Tumblr in my early twenties and we still talk to this day! It’s crazy that we’ve never met in person, but we talk all the time like we live next door to each other. 

Not everyone feels good being single, and I get it. I hope my photographer friend finds a good partner that he vibes with and has a good time. He’s had a string of tumultuous relationships and he’s a good guy. A genuinely good guy. I will vouch for him any day.

And if any of you are on dating apps, I hope you find awesome people. Just be careful out there and don’t feel sad if you end up being alone for a while. 

Trust me: it’s not that bad.