If there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s negative self-talk.
It started this morning when I was thinking of all the debt I have. It came up because I got an alert of a charge to my card, but the charge was a disgusting amount of interest that made my monthly payment redundant. Apparently, some cards will charge you interest if you don’t pay off the balance every month. That’s how they get you, I guess. Like a vending machine that rejects a brand new dollar bill, my monthly payments will never match the APR.
It’s embarrassing, really, and I won’t go into detail about my debt. And yes, I know I’m not the only person struggling, and my debt may seem trivial to people in even worse situations.
But the dominoes started falling after that.
From thinking about my debt, to my continuing education, to my future career, I found myself sliding down that familiar pit of despair.
You’re probably saying to your screen, “Honey, that’s called depression.”
And you’d be right. I do have depression, and I take a mood stabilizer that helps me sleep. Boy, do I sleep! I started taking it three months ago when I was getting over the flu. Fever dreams mixed with mirtazapine made me see new colors. My DMT was busy that first dose.
You know the scene in The Wizard of Oz when Dorothy opens the front door and it changes from Kansas Sepia to Munchkin Land Technicolor? I can only imagine the audience’s reaction to that at the time. Well, take that reaction and multiply it by Neo’s realization of The Matrix.
It’s the sort of deep sleep where you wake up in an existential crisis. But hey, I got to sleep late for once.
I know I write a lot about my depression but it does help to get this stuff out of my head. The only reason I’m able to pull myself out of that dark pit without getting stuck in the mud is one-part Technicolor medicine and one-part writing.
I plan on writing more on this blog, whatever is on my mind. That’s what it’s for, isn’t it? I’m not going to give it a series name. I’m too impulsive to stick to a series. Hell, I usually never make it past Season Five of any streaming TV. Is The Walking Dead still on? That got boring after Season Three.
Most writings have a wrap-up that loop the beginning to the end. I don’t really have one for this post. Let’s just say I’m in a weird mood today, jumping between ‘woe is me’ and ‘lighten the hell up.’
I could blame it on the Full Moon. This month’s moon is the Flower Moon signaling summer blossoms and warmer weather…as I look out the window to the dreariness that is the state of Oregon. You’d think I’d be used to it by now. I’ve lived here for ten years. That’s wild, man.
I’ll be fine even though today is one of those days where I want to drop everything and go off-grid to live in a tiny house in the woods, grow my own food, raise backyard chickens, and have a barn full of cats.
But I’ll save that for my mid-life crisis. For now, I need a refill on my coffee so I can start learning some computer language called Python. It’s all the rage, apparently.
And if I can learn Welsh, I can certainly learn how to talk to a computer.
PS – You like the AI art I made for the header image? AI, you’re scary but you can be fun sometimes. I once had a ex like you…once.
Mysti Gayle 
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