Last night, as I was lying in bed scrolling on YouTube in silence, I asked myself, “What the hell am I doing? What am I looking for and why am I looking here?”
When I was a child (before we ever installed dial-up), the only noise that put me to sleep was the singing of the frogs in our pond. Once I got to college, it was the muffled noise of my dorm hall neighbors talking, playing music while studying, slamming doors. I slept through all of it.
So, how did I get to a point where I feel the need to mindlessly scroll in bed? In fact, at what point did YouTube become so addicting?
Let me state: I have nothing against YouTube. I love the channels I follow and if I need to learn something on the fly, I go find a video about it. It has helped me with minor inconveniences, like sewing a button back onto a brand new shirt after wearing it the first time. Yup, I never learned how to sew a button until a few months ago, but I guarantee that my stitching was ten times better than the original. That button isn’t going anywhere. But the modern state of mass-produced clothes isn’t the subject for today.
The issue I’m dealing with at the moment is scrolling YouTube. Why do I feel the need to do so? Most of the time, I’m not looking for anything in particular, so why do I log on all day, playing videos in the background while I work, as I eat, as I lay in bed?
Why do I search for noise when the silence gets too loud? Is it the constant noise that made the silence so loud?
I used to sit in silence, letting the boredom envelop me and allowing my mind to wander. I used to make up stories in my head, continuing the stories the next day when I got an opportunity. I had a whole series of storylines in my head as a child and as a college student. I never wrote them down (not all of them, anyway).
I find it hard to day dream now, and it isn’t just because I work eight hours a day, five days a week. Hell, even in class, I was capable of day dreaming when the professor droned on and on, especially if it was our Greek Mythology class. He had a storyteller voice anyway, so the day dreaming was top notch. Imagine Garrison Keillor regaling about the assault and plight of Europa. They certainly don’t do that in Lake Wobegon.
I write about this problem a lot, in my journal and perhaps one or two posts on my blog, so it must be a deep issue for me if I’m stuck on it like a damned broken 45, spinning round and round and round, skipping over the best parts and ruining my rhythm. Speaking of which, I do miss my turntable and records. I think they are still at my uncle’s house in Houston. I left them all there when I moved to Oregon, but who knows? They probably ended up in the antique booth. Not really a loss. I can start over again once I get the space for another turntable. And for more records.
I digress though (happens a lot when you hit middle age), but the point I’m trying to get across is that I know that watching/listening to all these distractions is getting bad for the brain. I swear, sometimes I can feel my poor brain banging against my skull, begging, “No more videos! Write something down! Pick up your guitar! Play with your cat! Anything but another video dissecting the life of someone you will never fucking meet!”
When did YouTube end up becoming a vice for me, nay all of us? It’s become an addiction to mindless noise and opinions that we don’t really care about but tune in for them anyway. There are too many people online (not just YouTube) telling us how to live, how to eat, how to move, where to move, how many steps to take in a day, how much protein to eat, how to floss. Seriously, I came upon a video titled “You’ve been flossing wrong this whole time!”
Like shit, am I even breathing correctly at this point in my life? What else have I done wrong? And why are there actual views on these kinds of videos? What qualifications do these people have telling me how to floss when they’re not my dentist?
I don’t know when YouTube and, frankly, the entire damn Internet became a slop factory. As a teen, I would spend hours on my heavy Gateway computer looking up film trivia, saving photos of my favorite band, and perfecting my typing skills on Mavis Beacon (yes, I am THAT nerd). Also, do you know how many times I survived the Oregon Trail? Exactly twice, with my two children, Toe Jam and Cold Sore (my wife Superfudge died of dysentery at Fort Independence).
Back to last night, though. Obviously, I had trouble falling asleep after scrolling (only watching a handful of TED-ED videos about nutrition). I would say that I have always had trouble sleeping, but I also don’t quite remember when that trouble started. Perhaps when I started taking my Galaxy tablet to bed since that one is small enough to watch videos on while trying to fall asleep.
This situation is absurd, to say the least. Just leave the tablet charging in the living room, right? However, it’s the pull of the device. No, not the device.
It’s the app. Alas, I can’t uninstall the YouTube app from my Galaxy devices since the Android OS is linked with Google; however, I can disable the app so that it disappears from my home screen.
If you’ve read this far, thank you for putting up with my rambling. I guess that I am still trying to negotiate with my monkey mind that YouTube “don’t make brain work good”.
I need to “unplug” myself from this Matrix of pixels and bright lights and finger-wagging on the subject of my dental hygiene practices and pick up an actual book. I currently have an e-book on my Libby app, so after finishing that, perhaps I will turn off and physically put away my devices (yes, I have two tablets).
And after reading said physical book, I should pick up my pen more often and journal for ten minutes a day like I promised myself I would. I don’t mind typing since my brain tends to go faster than my writing hand (I have thus far avoided carpal tunnel!), but there is something about taking the time to write…each…word…as…the…thought…comes.
It’s funny. I tend to write my best when there is no noise. I spent over 20 years in low light and no noise writing fan fiction until midnight. I would write until my eyes could no longer stay open. I slept normally back then.
The Internet is still a wonderful invention. YouTube is a treasure trove of knowledge and learning. My jury is still out on social media as a whole, though. Facebook and Instagram has become a neverending feed of AI videos and ads.
The online world isn’t going anywhere. But one day, we will all be gone.
So try to unplug every now and then. Go outside and watch people walk their dogs. Pet those dogs. Smell those flowers. Smoke that joint.
Don’t be afraid to immerse yourself in silence because it’s always with you. From the womb to the tomb…literally.
Mysti Gayle 
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